The following paragraph exhibits the Top Five Grammar Goofs.  See if you can spot them.
(Caveat: These do not include commonly confused words, spelling errors, capitalization or punctuation errors.  Well, maybe a little punctuation.)

Having been married for 8 years, the brand new sushi restaurant seemed like the perfect place to celebrate.  So, Jim called to make a reservation.  “Good afternoon.  This is Super Sushi.  How can I help you?”  “Hi.  I’d like to make a reservation for my wife and I for 7:00 tonight, we’re celebrating our 8th anniversary.”  “Of course.  We’ll reserve a real special table for you.”  That night Jim gave his wife Donna eight long-stemmed  roses and told her to get dressed for dinner.  “Oh, Jim,” she said, “I feel so badly!  I didn’t get anything for you!”  Looking gorgeous in her new red dress, Jim said, “You’re so beautiful you don’t need to worry about anything else.”  They arrived at Super Sushi promptly at 7.  “Good evening.  Me and my wife have a reservation for two.”   They were seated by the window, the view was beautiful.  Each of them were given a menu.   Miso soup, egg rolls, tuna tataki, and a california roll was what they chose.  The meal was delicious.  As they walked out of the restaurant, Jim said, “Eight years – I can hardly believe it!”  “Neither can I,” replied Donna, “It’s nine!”

Did you find all ten mistakes?  “Ten?”  you say – “Weren’t there only supposed to be five?”  Yes – but each one was illustrated twice in the paragraph.

Grammar Goof # 1: The Dangling Modifier

• Having been married for 8 years, the brand new sushi restaurant seemed like the perfect place to celebrate
• Looking gorgeous in her new red dress, Jim said, “You’re so beautiful you don’t need to worry about anything else.”

It could be that where you’re from, sushi restaurants get married and men wear red dresses.  But in Standard English, not so much.  The two italicized phrases are modifiers (they describe something).  When you lead off a sentence with a modifying phrase, your listeners expect (reasonably so) that the next thing out of your mouth will be the thing being modified.   Who’s been married 8 years?  Jim!  So,

Having been married for 8 years, Jim thought the brand new sushi restaurant seemed like the perfect place to celebrate.

Rule: Your earrings may dangle; your modifiers may not.

Grammar Goof # 2: Wrong pronoun case

• I’d like to make a reservation for my wife and I for 7:00 tonight.
• Me and my wife have a reservation for two.

One fine spring morning, English did a major house cleaning and decided that the complications of cases (different forms for nouns that show their roles within a sentence) had to go.  We dumped the dative, junked the genitive, and abandoned the ablative.  (German – whether for sentimental reasons or for the sheer logical appeal of the system --  has not yet let go of their cases.)  The last stronghold for the exiled case system was in our pronouns.  This is why we retain the vestigial organs of I / me / my /mine; he / him / his/ his; she / her / her / hers, etc.  This is also why we have such a rotten time figuring out which goes where.

You probably caught the second mistake (“Me and my wife have a reservation…”).  The problem is that this pronoun is acting as a subject (of the verb have), but it’s dressed like an object.  It’s like going to a wedding in a swimsuit.  The other sentence (“a reservation for my wife and I”) makes the same mistake in reverse: the pronoun is acting as the object (of the preposition for) but is dressed like a subject.  This mistake is harder to catch; it’s an example of hypercorrection  -- a tuxedo at the pool.

So, how do know which outfit to put your pronoun in? 

If it’s the object of anything (the object of a verb, verbal, preposition), use objective case (me, you, her, him, us, them).  If it’s the subject (or a predicate nominative – a tale for another day), use subjective case (I, you, she, he, we, they).

Hint: Most mistakes are made when there is a pair of subjects or a pair of objects, as in our examples (for my wife and I; me and my wife).  Your ear will usually tell you the correct choice if you try the sentence without the other part of the pair.  E.g., you know that you’re not supposed to say “I’d like to make a reservation for I.”

Grammar Goof # 3: Subject verb disagreement

• Each of them were given a menu.  
• Miso soup, egg rolls, tuna tataki, and a california roll was what they chose. 

Subjects and verbs like each other – they really do.  They can talk about politics, religion, and which movie to watch without arguing.   If they disagree, you can be sure it’s your doing!  The rule here is simple: singular subjects take singular verbs.  Plural subjects take plural verbs.  The first subject, each, is singular.  (Yes, each can be a complicated case.  Again, that’s another novel.)  The second subject has 4 – count ‘em, 4 – elements: definitely plural, even though the final element in the list happens to be singular (california roll)!

Grammar Goof # 4:  Comma splice

• I’d like to make a reservation for my wife and I for 7:00 tonight, we’re celebrating our 8th anniversary.
• They were seated by the window, the view was beautiful.

You wouldn’t fix a broken chair leg with scotch tape, would you?  That’s a job for Gorilla Glue.  A comma is like scotch tape – it can link some lighter items together (elements in a list, e.g.), but for a heavy-duty job like joining two independent clauses (sentences), you need something stronger!  A semicolon, a comma and coordinating conjunction, or a period and capital letter are the glue for that job.

Remember: Don’t try to tape two independent clauses together with a comma!

Grammar Goof # 5: Confusing Adjectives and Adverbs

• I feel so badly!
• We’ll reserve a real special table for you.

If you’re ice fishing in the Arctic and your fingers are frostbitten, you can truthfully say that you feel badly.  Otherwise, if you’re describing your emotional or physical state, stick with feeling bad.  

The simplified version goes like this:  there are two types of verbs in English -- action and linking.  The action verbs tell you what something does.  The linking verbs tell you what something is (or seems to be).  When you’re describing what something does, you need an adverb.  When you’re describing what something is, you need an adjective.  The most obvious linking verbs are being verbs (is, am, are, etc.).  That’s why we say, “We are brilliant” rather than “We are brilliantly.”  But some of the other linking verbs are trickier, especially since a few of them can also be action verbs in different contexts (e.g., appear, feel).

If someone tells you he’ll reserve a real special table for you, he’s using two adjectives: real and special.  So, the sentence should actually read “We’ll reserve a real, special table for you.”  At which point you may wish to inquire about switching to, say, a theoretical table, or a metaphysical booth.   If, on the other hand, the real  is supposed to be modifying special, then it’s doing the job of an adverb (which is to modify a verb, adjective, or another adverb), and deserves the dignity of an –ly ending.

Rule: Use the adjective form after linking verbs, and anywhere you’re describing a noun.  Use the adjective form to modify verbs, adjectives, or other adverbs.

These grammar goofs (and their fixes) have been explained very briefly.  Most grammar is best understood through heaps of illustrations – which space did not permit in this article.  If you’re interested in really spiffing up your written English – grammar, punctuation, form, style, clarity, etc. – consider taking our Business Writing Seminar later this year.  Details forthcoming at www.wetzelservices.com.